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Young Writers Society



Thank you, Mom.

by day tripper


This is a short piece I wrote in regards to almost losing my mother. I love her with all my heart and am happy that she is safe(:

Hey Mom, it's me, Ava. I just wanted to tell you something: thanks. I know giving birth wasn't easy and raising a anxious teenager wasn't either, but somehow, you did it.

I remember one time when I was going through my first breakup. I was devastated. And even though I'd yell at you, telling you that you didn't understand, you'd still find a way to forgive me and offer to watch a movie with me. It must have been tough to do everything you have done. I know it was hard for me when little Sophie was born.

Speaking of Sophie, she's almost nine! David and I are thinking of taking her to the beach. Remember when we last went to the beach as a family? God, that was forever ago. Dad was dancing with April, you and I were tanning, laughing at Josh who attempted surfing. Yeah, taking Sophie to the beach will be nice.

I can't wait until she's old enough to do daily shopping, getting our nails done- remember my first time? I couldn't stop laughing from how much it tickled! Aw, I miss the times when I'd come home from school to gloat to you how much everyone loved them. You'd start dancing to some classic music, attempting to be young again. You were so cute.

Oh! I got my wedding pictures hung up in the new house. Dad helped, too. I made sure to have the one of you and I dancing with April's daughter in the middle of them all. Remember that day? How could I forget you crying as you watched April do the finishing touches on my dress. You hated the fact that David was 'taking me away from you'.

I remember when you were almost taken from me all those years ago. I hated it, I was so young. I was sitting in my room with April, fussing over makeup when Josh burst through the door, panting, "Ava! April! Come quick!" When I saw you, I thought you were already dead. The doctor told us it was a minor heart attack. I didn't let you eat any deli meat for weeks.

April's daughter graduates next week! Remember my graduation? Dad wouldn't stop talking about jobs and you wouldn't stop crying. 'My little girl's all grown up!' you would keep saying that even to the day I had Sophie.

April's on her way with Cid and Mark. Little Cid is adorable, looks just like you. Josh and Heidi are here. David's here too, Mom. Dad is sitting in the chair, crying. Sophie is on his lap, hugging him. I guess my turn is up. Mom... I love you. I feel I never said it enough. I'll visit you daily, hopefully every Sunday and keep you updated!

With that, I got off my knees and kissed my mother's cold cheek. I walked over to David and rested my head on his shoulder. "'You okay?" he asked, rubbing my back.

"Yes... I am now. It was her time to go, I guess." I smiled up at him and let the tears flow.


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516 Reviews


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Wed Jun 25, 2008 5:27 am
chocoholic wrote a review...



Okay, so your writing wasn't bad. There weren't any mistakes or issues I could spot, but I have a couple of issues with how you wrote it.

This piece was pretty confusing, and I think it's because it was so short. If you made it longer it would probably be better. It just jumped around a lot, and I would start to understand one thing ad then a new thing would jump out of me.

These are some questions that maybe you should ask yourself when you edit:

1. Who are these people? Does my reader know them? Do I explain them at all?

2. What is going on? Is there a plot?

3. Does the story jump around a lot? Can my reader understand what's going on?

Edit with those three in mind, and I'm sure you'll have a much better short story.

Good luck!




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Tue Jun 24, 2008 10:20 pm
patience_isnt wrote a review...



Okay, so I just found a few grammar mistakes. A few, so don't worry. (It helps if you type it on a Word document with the spell check on. That way, it'll catch most of your mistakes before you send it out to be fixed.)

I know giving birth wasn't easy and raising a anxious teenager wasn't either, but somehow, you did it.


I know giving birth wasn't easy and raising an anxious teenager wasn't either, but somehow, you did it.

God, that was forever ago.


God, it seems like it’s been forever!

I'll visit you daily, hopefully every Sunday and keep you updated!


I don’t understand. Are you visiting her everyday or just on Sundays?

There's just one thing I think you should change; add a lot more discriptions. I couldn't really understand what you were talking about sometimes because you weren't giving enough discriptions. I understand that the mother should know what the main character is talking about, but the reader doesn't.

Other than those few (but common) grammar mistakes, and that one thing I think you should change, it was an overall great piece. I can't wait to re-read it with the new changes. That's if you decide to make any. Remember, you're the author, so you don't have to listen to a word I say. I'm just here to try to help.

Keep up the good work!




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Tue Jun 24, 2008 7:09 pm
GML wrote a review...



Hey, daytripper! Yay, you put a short piece in Other Fiction (my dwelling :)). I shall attempt to review, even though I don't have too many suggestions. Disregard anything I say; you are the author in the end.

I was devistated.

Spell check!

I feel I never said it enough. I'll visit you daily, hopefull every Sunday and keep you updated!

**hopefully.

"'You okay?" He asked, rubbing my back.

Don't capitalize "he."

------------------------------------

Alright, here is my list...
1) You are exclamation point happy in this piece. !'s are things to use at most four or five(ish) times in a piece. Only the things said with extreme excitement or volume should have one. If it stood out to me, it's too much.

2) When the MC brings back memories to her mother's ear, she starts by asking her mother to remember. You do this by either "Remember when...?" or "I remember when..." Try to vary it a bit. Or at least use the second one a bit more.

3)This is an emotional piece, a beautiful piece. Good memories, let's just make them more vivid. I know you can describe by reading your other piece...it may sound unnatural for your character to be talking like a narration. So you don't have to go all out with your images, but I would add some just so we can feel what happened in their past. As of now, and as a reader, I feel a bit left out.

4) Great, brilliant, fantastic ending. I had no idea that her mother was dead when she was talking. I thought maybe she was sick or something. Or it was a letter. It was great though and sad.


Overall, fantastic job. This is getting a gold star. It was written in a very realistic voice, a monologue feel to it.

PM me with questions.
--GML--





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